A CanineMind ExclusiveOnly two hip-hop albums have ever been more hyped than Mike Jones’ new disc, Who is Mike Jones? The first is Wu-Tang Clan’s The W (2000), which, as the RZA explained in 1997, would “come back with a comet.” The other is Dr. Dre’s perpetually soon-to- be released Detox. In both of these cases, the hype was well- deserved: the Wu and Dre have vaults of classics and walls of gold and platinum plaques to show for their years in game. Mike Jones? Well, he has given out his cell phone number (“And it’s REAL!”)…over and over again.
So, who is Mike Jones? A small-time hustler turned rapper who made his name on Houston’s Swishahouse label writing songs about impotence, fifth-wheel reclinin', and "molestin' the wood." A friend of mine put me on to Jones in early 2004, and I was hooked. Not because he was the wittiest rapper, not because his beats were the best, but because his whole schtick, from his persona to his rhymes, was absurd. He usually repeats the last two lines of his verses three or four times; he shouts out his name to fill space like other rappers say “Yo!” (“Mike Jooooones! Mike Jooooones!”); and he gives out his “real” phone number ("JEEEEEAH, wassup, baby, it's ya boy, Mike Jooooones").
In the midst of all this marketing, I’m not aware of him ever actually rapping about anything. All of his rhymes about cars, rims, money, and ballin’ are just elaborate -- dare I say "meta"? - descriptions for how well he’ll rap when his album finally comes and he “done blown up.” It's only fitting, then, that the first track on Who is Mike Jones? is a promo. That’s right, before we’ve even heard the album that he has promised us for years, Mike reminds us to buy his next album, “The American Way”… coming soon.
(I'm sure there's one or two comp lit dissertations being written about this as we speak.)In my mind, Mike was able to get away with all of this because, in the process of promoting himself, he said some funny things. For instance, as he moaned on "Lyin'" off the Swishahouse “Day Hell Broke Loose 2” mixtape: “I can’t have people that hang around me and lie all the time / And I hate hoes that be UGLY, lyin’ sayin they fine!” The problem with Who is Mike Jones? is that it can’t be listened to seriously, and unlike a horrendous album, it’s not so bad that it’s good. Instead, it’s incredibly bland. Imagine being asked to write a song using a magnetic poetry kit that only includes the following words and phrases:
1. Mike Jones
2. who
3. my album, coming soon/is here
4. my cell phone
5. 2-8-1-3-3-0-8-0-0-4 (Mike's cell phone number)
6. turning lane
7. gripping grain
8. candy
9. hos
10. pimp
11. limp
12. shrimp
13. grind
14. shine
15. Pappadeaux's
Good. Now imagine writing an entire album with the same 15 pieces. You can get an idea of how tedious Who is Mike Jones? is.
Without a doubt, there are some bangers. The internet, MTV, and BET have been going nuts over his collabo with Paul Wall and Slim Thug, “Still Tippin’,” and rightfully so – regular speed or screwed, this is one of the songs of the year. Also solid are “What You Know About” (featuring Paul Wall and Boss Hawg Outlaw Killa Kyleon) and “Know What I’m Sayin’” (a sort of screwed version of Cam’ron’s “Oh Boy” featuring
And thus we come to the brutal, walking, rapping conundrum that is Mike Jones. In theory, Mike Jones is an entertaining idea: a rapper who is so blatantly capitalist he rhymes only in order to sell albums on which he rhymes about the next album he’ll sell you. In practice, Mike Jones makes no bones about his elevation of the art of promotion over the art of hip-hop, a sorry scenario for anyone who likes music that does something – anything really – besides promote itself.
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